Guy went into a restaurant and was very hungry. He heard they had good hamburgers. So, he sits down, the waiter comes over and he orders a hamburger, French fries and a coke. After a long wait, the order finally arrives. By this time he is very hungry, but the burger looks great! It is huge and juicy and yummy looking. He takes a bite… and it is wonderful! He chews it down and takes another bite! Suddenly, he feels something in his mouth that isn’t so good… a hair. He pulls it out and is sickened! He calls the waiter over and tells him about his disgusting discovery. The waiter is sorry and says he will bring another burger. Eventually, he does. Same thing happens. The guy asks to see the cook. When he goes back into the kitchen, he notices that the cook is big ole bald guy! He asks the cook to make another burger while he watches. The guy grabs up the meat, forms the burger… and uses his underarm to get that extra little THING!
Deaf Tree Joke
A man was working in the woods, chopping down trees, each time he yells “timber” before the tree falls. He comes across a tree that is huge! He begins to chop it and when he is finished he yells “timber” the tree just stands there. He continues to chop all over the tree “timber” but nothing happens. A Deaf man in walking through the woods and begins to watch the lumberjack. He soon realizes the problem and offers his help to the lumberjack. After the lumberjack cuts the tree extensively, he steps back and yells “timber” at the same time the Deaf man fingerspells, T-I-M-B-E-R! … the tree falls… it was a Deaf Tree!
A Mafia gang takes on a deaf man to run their deliveries, feeling it would be safer having someone unable to overhear conversations. However, one day when he is to deliver a large sum of money, he never shows up with it. The mobsters track him down, but don't find the money on him. As none of them are able to use sign language, they bring in an interpreter.
Mobster: "Where'd you hide the money?" (Interpreter signs the question.)
The bag man signs his reply. The interpreter says, "He says he had to ditch it in the river because the cops were onto him."
Mobster: "I'm not fooling around! You better tell me where that money is!" (Interpreter again signs.)
The bag man signs his reply, and the interpreter relays, "He swears he is telling the truth. He had to get rid of it."
The mobster pulls out a revolver and points it between the deaf man's eyes. "Tell me where that money is, or I'll kill you right now!"
(Interpreter signs his statement.)
The bag man, sweating profusely, signs, "It's inside a shoebox under a loose floorboard in my bedroom closet."
The interpreter says, "He says he doesn't know where it is and he doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."
A mobster was having problems with his money carrier, so he decided to hire a neighborhood Deaf man. One day the Deaf man didn’t show up with the money like he was suppose to, so the mobster quickly tracked him down and with an interpreter, started to question the Deaf man.
The questioning goes on for hours, but the Deaf man refuses to tell where the money is. Finally, the gangster pulls out a gun and puts it to the Deaf man’s head and says, “If you don’t tell me where the money is, I am going to shoot you”.
The Interpreter signs what the man says to which the Deaf man signs, “I give up! I hid the money under the stairs at the back of the house.”
It is obvious the Deaf man has answered, so the man asks the interpreter, “What did he say?”
The interpreter quickly says, “He says he is not afraid to die!”
There once was this mad scientist. One day, being curious of the nature of frogs, he propped a frog up on his desk, opened his log book and carefully observed the animal. After staring at it for a considerable amount of time, the scientist finally said: "JUMP!"
And the frog lept.
The scientist then quickly jotted down in his log book: "Frogs can jump." The following day, the mad scientist entered his lab, checked his log book, put the frog up on the table and, again, stared at it. Finally, he took out a scalpel, removed one of the frog legs and said: "JUMP!"
And the frog jumped.
The scientist quickly added to his log book: "Frogs can jump with three legs."
The next day, the scientist, upon entering his lab, went through the same routine, cutting off another of the frog legs. As he was staring at the wretched animal who now was missing two legs, he said: "JUMP!"
And the frog jumped.
The scientist then added to his previous observations: "Frogs can jump with two legs."
On the fourth day, the scientist behaved according to his habits and removed a third leg from the frog. He then expectantly said: "JUMP!"
And the frog jumped.
Well, by now, the scientist was quite excited about all this. He wrote down in his log book: "Frogs can jump with only one leg!"
Finally, on the fifth day, the scientist entered his lab, already thrilled by what new discoveries he might make. As usual, he checked his log book, placed the frog on the table, stared at what was left of the animal, reached for his scalpel and removed the last of the frog legs. He then said: "JUMP!"
But alas the frog did not leap.
"JUMP! JUMP!" exclaimed the scientist.
Still, the frog did not leap.
"JUMP!" yelled the scientist.
The frog did not leap.
The scientist, then wrote down in his log book: "Frogs when deprived of all legs become deaf."
FOUR MEN ON A TRAIN:
Four men (a Russian, a Cuban, and a Deaf American, and an interpreter) are on a train. The Russian throws a half empty bottle of vodka out the window. When the Deaf American and the Cuban react with surprise, he explains that "That vodka tasted bitter. Back home in Russia, we have much better vodka!" So then the Cuban throws a half smoked cigar out the window saying, "That cigar tasted awful. Not like the ones we have in Cuba."
Then the Deaf American stands up, grabs the interpreter, and throws him out the window, signing "He used signed English."
This joke is also told using the line “We have lots of (cigars, vodka or hearing people) back home” Three Deaf men, a Russian, a Cuban, and an American, are on a train traveling together in Europe.
The Deaf Russian was enjoying a glass of expensive Russian Vodka when he suddenly opened the window and tossed it out. The American asked why he threw out the expensive vodka: The Russian responded, “Oh, I don’t need it. Where is plenty more back home.”
The Deaf Cuban was enjoying a cigar when he suddenly opened the window and tossed out the whole box of cigars. The American asked why he would toss out expensive cigars and the Cuban responded, “Oh, I don’t need them. There is plenty more back home.”
Feeling hungry, the Deaf American ordered a sandwich from the waiter. When the waiter brought the sandwich, the American suddenly opened the window and tossed out the waiter. Both the Russian and Cuban were shocked, and asked the American why he threw the waiter away. The American responded, “Oh, I don’t need him. There are plenty more hearing people back home.”
DEAF COUPLE AT MOTEL:
A deaf couple check into a motel. They retire early. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes her husband complaining of a headache and asks him to go to the car and get some aspirin from the glove compartment. Groggy with sleep, he struggles to get up, puts on his robe, and goes out of the room to his car. He finds the aspirin, and with the bottle in hand he turns toward the motel. But he cannot remember which room is his. After thinking a moment, he returns to the car, places his hand on the horn, holds it down, and waits. Very quickly the motel rooms light up, all but one. It's his wife's room, of course. He locks up his car and heads toward the room without a light.
One day a blind man goes to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut he asks the barber about his bill. "I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you I am doing community service for handicapped this week." The blind man is pleased and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
Later a man in wheelchair comes in for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber, and the barber replies: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service for handicapped this week." The wheelchair man is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a box of dozen muffins waiting at his door.
A deaf man comes for a hair cut and when he asks the barber what he owes, the barber wrote on paper: "I am sorry I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service for handicapped this week. The deaf man is very happy and leaves.
The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there are a dozen deaf people waiting at his door.
A hearing man is hitchhiking late at night on an isolated highway. His car had broken down and he was hoping for a ride to the nearest town or telephone. After a few hours of walking and thumbing for a ride, a car finally pulls over and lets him in.
Upon entering the car the hitchhiker realizes the driver is deaf. This doesn’t bother the man and the two gesture back and forth with one another. After a few minutes the driver decides to fully depress the gas pedal and speed. Because the car is a convertible, the hearing man loses his hat and both passengers’ hair is blowing wildly in the breeze. The gauges on the dashboard are steadily rising and the hearing man is actually a bit frightened.
Suddenly, as if from nowhere, red and blue lights can be seen in the rear view mirrors and the car is pulled over. As they pull over, the deaf man puts one finger over his lip and looks at the hearing man, “Shhhh.” The police officer comes to the driver side of the car and asks for the driver’s license, the deaf man gestures to the police officer that he can’t hear or understand him. The hearing man follows suit. The police officer nods his head, looks around, then over enunciates the words, “S L O W D O W N !” The deaf man nods his head innocently in agreement.
As they’re driving, the deaf man becomes tired and pats his hand over his mouth as he yawns and stretches his arms. He makes eye contact with the hearing man and gestures for them to switch places. The hearing man agrees and is soon driving the car down the isolated highway. After a few minutes, the deaf man is fast asleep in the passenger’s seat and the hearing man is feeling adventurous. Assuming that the chances of them getting pulled over again are pretty slim, he presses the pedal to the metal and is zooming quickly toward the horizon.
As luck would have it though, he too is soon pulled over and a police officer steps up around the side of the convertible. The officer says, “I need your license and registration please…” The hearing man has a quick brainstorm and begins feigning deaf. He gestures to his ears then motions that he doesn’t understand. The police officer smiles and signs, “OH YOU’RE DEAF? MY PARENTS ARE DEAF, WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”
King Kong was walking through town....
He came to the beach, were there was a beautiful Deaf woman laying in the sun. All the other people ran away, but since she was Deaf, she didn't hear them screaming.
King Kong looked at her and fell in love with her. He picked her up in his hand and tried to comfort her by saying " don't scream and cry. You are beautiful, I love you" She is screaming and crying... carrying on... He keeps trying to talk to her... when he finally says... No, don't cry, I love you... I want to MARRY you... when of course, he squishes her. :-) Lots of mime, lots of playing around with it!
A Deaf football player was in a game that was tied. After some discussion they decided to use him because he was an amazing receiver. They did a long hail mary, which he caught and won the game. He was so happy, in the in zone, he spiked the ball in joy. After the game, he was walking home alone when he saw in the distance a burning building. He wandered over to it and saw a woman on an upper floor holding her baby, screaming. As it turned out, the fire dept had forgotten the net. One of the firemen noticed this football star on the side, and suggested that he be used to catch the baby… after all, he NEVER fumbles the ball, surely he could catch the baby! The football star agrees and positions himself under the window. The woman finally agrees to drop her baby to save its life. The football player is ready…. And POW, catches the baby! There is much joy… then he spikes the baby!